Its been a little over 3 years since the late great Mitch Hedberg passed away. He would be pushin 40 if he hadn't pushed himself over the edge with a drug induced heart attack March 30, 2005.
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1499352/20050331/hedberg_mitch.jhtml
http://www.comedycentral.com/comedians/browse/h/mitch_hedberg.jhtml
His quirky perspective on the mundane helped me pass many a day rolling posters in an unmarked warehouse behind a seedy strip club in Hell-A.
His friend Chard Hogan summed it up best, "Life is very ironic at times and Mitch has an excellent ability at being able to illustrate that in such a way that it not only makes you laugh but it encourages you to look at life with new eyes."
I found out he wrote, directed & acted in a movie back in 1999.
Los Enchiladas!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0194119/
His one liners are starting to slip from the grip of people's minds, so I will not let his memory fade. Here's some favorites. Cheers to Mitch!
QUOTES:
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on down there? Who is the real hero?
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. They're all exciting at first, but by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
Look at the limes in this drink, look how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.
I played golf once. I didn't get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" But I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck it. I'll just get a tan instead."
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here!
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning!
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
http://www.mtv.com/news/ar
http://www.comedycentral.c
His quirky perspective on the mundane helped me pass many a day rolling posters in an unmarked warehouse behind a seedy strip club in Hell-A.
His friend Chard Hogan summed it up best, "Life is very ironic at times and Mitch has an excellent ability at being able to illustrate that in such a way that it not only makes you laugh but it encourages you to look at life with new eyes."
I found out he wrote, directed & acted in a movie back in 1999.
Los Enchiladas!
http://www.imdb.com/title/
His one liners are starting to slip from the grip of people's minds, so I will not let his memory fade. Here's some favorites. Cheers to Mitch!
QUOTES:
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on down there? Who is the real hero?
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. They're all exciting at first, but by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
Look at the limes in this drink, look how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.
I played golf once. I didn't get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" But I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck it. I'll just get a tan instead."
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here!
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning!
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
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