Cane Toad on Track to Get Whacked

In international news:

“Kill a Toad Day” might become a new popular holiday in the large south pacific isle we call Australia. Queensland MP, Shane Knuth, proposed the “Toad Day Out” in response to the success of this invasive species for destroying wildlife.

The Cane Toad was introduced from South America in 1935 as a way of controlling the sugar cane beetle through predation. However, the plan backfired when it was discovered the toads were lacking in jumping ability and could not reach the beetles, which would scurry up the sugar cane stalk out of reach.

The toads turned out to be prolific breeders, with females producing up to 20,000 eggs per mating. Their poisonous skin, leads to the deaths of millions of birds, crocodiles, snakes, and other predators yearly. They have no natural predators…except perhaps now…humans.

Knuth says, “The toad is probably the greatest environmental vermin and probably the most disgusting creature known to man,” referring to its evil demeanor and warty skin. “Basically, we need a special day that Queenlanders, especially children, could all play their part, very similar to ‘Clean Up Australia Day.”

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is encouraging citizens to kill humanely. This can be achieved by placing the toad in a plastic bag then throwing it into the freezer. Special collection centers will be available to dispose of the vermin once it is deceased.

RSPCA spokesman Michael Beatty, said “Obviously we’re not idiots – we understand a lot of people will be highly reluctant to fill their fridges and freezers with dying cane toads, but at the moment that is the only humane way that we can recommend.”

The most famous eradication of a pest from an island belongs to St. Patrick, who is credited with banishing snakes from the isle of Ireland.

It is now a national holiday and celebrated around the world, usually with the colour green and copious amounts of brew. Perhaps in the future generations will look upon Queenlander MP, Shane Knuth, as a Saint for driving out the toads, and we here in America will find another excuse to talk in a cool English based accent and tip our glasses towards the sky.

MItch Hedberg: Don't Let His Memory Die!

Its been a little over 3 years since the late great Mitch Hedberg passed away. He would be pushin 40 if he hadn't pushed himself over the edge with a drug induced heart attack March 30, 2005.

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1499352/20050331/hedberg_mitch.jhtml

http://www.comedycentral.com/comedians/browse/h/mitch_hedberg.jhtml

His quirky perspective on the mundane helped me pass many a day rolling posters in an unmarked warehouse behind a seedy strip club in Hell-A.

His friend Chard Hogan summed it up best, "Life is very ironic at times and Mitch has an excellent ability at being able to illustrate that in such a way that it not only makes you laugh but it encourages you to look at life with new eyes."

I found out he wrote, directed & acted in a movie back in 1999.
Los Enchiladas!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0194119/

His one liners are starting to slip from the grip of people's minds, so I will not let his memory fade. Here's some favorites. Cheers to Mitch!

QUOTES:

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on down there? Who is the real hero?

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. They're all exciting at first, but by the end, you're sick of 'em.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

Look at the limes in this drink, look how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!

I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.

I played golf once. I didn't get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" But I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck it. I'll just get a tan instead."

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here!

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning!

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Ethanol Blamed for Increase In Food Prices

In national news: Ethanol has become the Ire of Increased Food Prices

The rising cost of food prices nationwide have left many trying to figure out who to blame.

The stomachs of Food Industry Executives are growling that commodities costs will steadily increase as long as the US Government subsidizes corn growers for making ethanol.

This leaves the ethanol industry at the business end of many a pointing finger.

With many farms switching over to corn production due to its lucrative prices, grains and hops have been thrown to the wayside. Corn is used as animal feed, causing livestock producers to increase the prices of meat. Grain shortages have also increased the price of flour, and in turn many bakers are starting to push the burden of higher overhead costs, onto the consumer.

Compounding the problem are rising fuel costs, which factors into the transportation costs of the produce displayed at grocery stores, and the flailing currency we call the U.S. dollar.

In turn, any extra stores of rice and grain are hotly desirable to more economically stable countries in need of food commodities that can be purchased with currencies suddenly gifted with more buying leverage against the U.S. dollar. With grain supplies dwindling, Americans are left to shell out more money for the basic staples of everyday living.

This fiasco is in part due to an energy bill signed into law back in December that calls for the production of 9 billion gallons of renewable fuel this year, and rising to 36 billion gallons in 14 years.

President of Kraft Foods, Rick Searer, said, “We certainly as a society want to decrease our dependence on foreign oil…Unfortunately, the biofuels mandate is having unintended consequences in terms of its impact on the price of food.”

General Mills CEO, Kendall Powell, proposed nonfood options for biofuel feedstock as a viable step, saying, “It would be good if we could develop a really efficient and economic biofuels industry based on switchgrass or cellulose waste products.”

Last month at a lecture on biofuels at the Berkeley Reperatory Theater, Jerry Tuskan of the Joint Genome Institute, talked about Poplar trees possibly being used as biofuel feedstock to create ethanol.

The options are out there, yet government backing is needed.

Another industry that lays ethanol out with a dose of blame, are the craft and microbrew industries that line many of the Western States.

Brewers are feeling the pinch as hops and barley malts are increasingly harder to procure at reasonable prices. Price increases on beer are expected to take place in the next few months.

However, a local beer enthusiast said, “I’d be willing to pay an extra dollar for good beer, instead of settling for the swill that the corporate brewers churn out.” He then added, “It is accepted for people to pay more for quality wine, why not for quality beer?”

Hop Shortage to Drive Beer Prices Up

In national news, 2008 may be dubbed The Year of the Hop Shortage

Hop plants, the small cone-like flowers that bless your beer with bitterness and aroma while providing a counter balance to the beers malty sweetness, are in a worldwide shortage.

Breweries across the U.S. are scrambling to secure hops in order to produce the beers that craft beer enthusiasts have come to love. An increase in beer prices is expected to take place in the coming months. Contributing factors are: the hop scarcity, a strong Euro, increased fuel transportation costs, and the conversion of farm fields from barley malts, to ethanol producing corn.

China is also becoming the number one beer drinking market, creating international competition for hops, which are mainly grown in Europe and North America.

This means beer producers, including homebrewers will have to curb there ability to create new beers just to have enough hops to brew their traditional recipes.

Greg Obendorf, an Idaho hop farmer says, “This may put some small brewers out of business – there just aren’t enough hops to go around.”

To cope, breweries might have to adapt to a changing beer landscape. The wildly popular Pale Ales and IPA’s, which require a healthy dose of hops to give that bitter punch, might be put aside. In the future we might see craft brewers switching to beers that have a low hop profile and a greater use of grains and malts.

Ken Woods, president of Black Oak Brewery, says, “If farmers have ripped the hops out, [it will take] at least three years to grow new ones we can use. Hop prices have gone up 400%.” Woods also noted many hop farmers have switched to crops like corn and soy, which are seeing a steady increase in demand and price due to America’s push for Biofuels.

However, one local bar patron said, “I enjoy my beer and if it costs an extra dollar to have one or two, then so be it.”

Biofuels May Be Key to the Economic Restoration of Cuba

(In International News) Biofuels may be key to the Economic Restoration of Cuba.

With Fidel gone after nearly 50 years of iron fist rule and his brother Raul most likely taking over, the doors to the economic rejuvenation of Cuba may have the possibility of being unlocked. The key comes in the production of ethanol from sugarcane.

The biofuel industry could offer the opportunity to transform a closed economy into an open, market-oriented system. In the process, Cuba could reap major social, economic and environmental benefits. With new leadership, Cuba stands to become a major player on the emerging world ethanol market.

Sugar has played a key role in the history of Cuba during the dictator’s rule. After the island country was blocked from exporting sugar to the U.S., Fidel turned to the Soviets in a “sugar for oil” trade agreement in 1970.

Fidel immediately implemented the “Ten Million Tonne Harvest” plan, forcing every able man to become a cane planter and cutter. This was a success and Cuba became the world’s largest sugar exporter.

At its peak, the Cuban sugar industry consisted of 150 sugar factories, which processed roughly 80 million tons of cane per year. Of that, 10 million tons was exported.

This in turn led to an increasing dependence on the Soviets for oil and manufactured goods to keep the economy and industry running.

However, with the 1990 collapse of the USSR, Cuba’s sugar based economy soon collapsed as well. Since then, many factories have shut down or have been producing at under-capacity. Today’s current production and exports are only 10% of what they used to be.

The answer to this flailing economy could be in the Ethanol Industry. Biofuels have the possibility of leading to job creation, foreign investment and a reliable and renewable supply of electricity for Cuba. It is estimated that if Cuba can export 3 billion gallons of ethanol, they could generate close to $7 billion U.S. dollars per year.

The world’s current leader in Ethanol manufacture is Brazil. The country has made clear it is now targeting the E.U. ethanol market after the European Commission implemented a plan to control climate change by reducing dependency on petroleum.

With Brazils push for increased biofuel production, concerns have been raised that it could cause a destabilization in food prices as well as slashing parcels of Amazon rainforest to make room for sugarcane plantations.

Cuban biofuel however, would come from former and existing plantations so no new land would have to be cleared leading to ethanol production that is environmentally sustainable and carbon-neutral.

This possible revitalization all depends on the new leadership to take over in Fidel’s departure, and perhaps America’s willingness to economically engage them. If the U.S. State Department won’t end the trade embargo, the European demand for ethanol is currently rising.

Biofuel production from sugarcane could be the key to rejuvenation and redemption in a post Castro Cuba.

OM @ the Independent, San Francisco, 1-18-08

OM
Al Cisneros: bass / vocals
Chris Hakius: drums

I saw OM two years prior at the Echo in Los Angeles as they opened for Comets on Fire, another Bay Area heavy psychedelic band, and admittedly, had a hard time enjoying myself. OM can be somewhat polarizing in regards to likeability, but perhaps I just wasn't ready for them, so I have given them another chance.

I got word this stoner-doom experimental outfit would be gracing the Independent in their hometown of San Francisco, as they tour in support of their third release, “Pilgrimage”, on Southern Lord Records, so I grabbed an innocently sweet girl and dragged her to the show with me. I believe she gave up on them in 10 minutes, but my experience turned out to be quite insightful.

OM is a mirror that reveals all the excess material and easily accumulated baggage one has garnered over a lifetime of listening to music, an image too ugly to accept. At first, the stripped down wall of sound that slowly fills you with waves-crashing-upon-the-shore bass lines, chant-like monotone vocals, and tribally cardiac percussion, is an assault to one’s normal musical perceptions. Your mind screams, "What the hell is this crap?" yet ironically the subconscious body begins to move with the rhythms channeled through the duo upon the stage.

The word itself, Om, is most often associated with meditation. According to various Mantras, the vibrational frequency of Om is the sound or hum of the universe. When chanted, it can dissolve the mind of the layered caking that comes with everyday trivialities and bring an inner peace.

Though I do believe meditation would help in a modern world of crumbling attention spans and shiny objects, I am not hear to preach from my soapbox. While experiencing this local San Francisco band, which consists of the former rhythm section of the disbanded stoner-doom metal outfit, Sleep, my faculties slowly give in and internal struggles of acceptance begin to choose sides.

Upon listening, this antithesis of radio length pop songs seems more like an exercise in musical tolerance than an evening of cotton candy and elevated heart rates. Everything you've been told to love in sing along lyrics, scream inducing frontmen, and infectious melodies has been discarded.

However, without any thought or conscious acknowledgement on my part, the cup is slowly filled to overflowing and all previous conceptions of music, thoughts and worries spill over the brim and evaporate. There is no categorization, genre holing, labeling within the brains musical library. There are no thoughts of trying to learn their songs on guitar to impress a lady friend. Worries of work, relationships and the world have faded away. All thats left...is OM.

The last bass note falls and the lights come on replacing the streaming shades of purple, green, orange and red. As I look upon the faces of those shuffling their feet towards the exit, a sad realization sets in that a large handful of people there did not have the same calming, eviscerating experience I just had. The girl at my side is one of them.

I am always surprised at OM's popularity. Their brand of heavy psychedelia is definitely not for all, but when the connection is made, its a much needed breath of fresh perspective on a world thought process so disturbingly intertwined with American media and entertainment outlets.

Check out the band’s other albums "Variations on a Theme" (2005) and "Conference of the Birds" (2006) at Holy Mountain Records, and give them a spin in a quiet environment with the psychedelic of your choice. And if OM happens to be journeying through your hometown, drag yourself and your stony cohorts out to have all former notions of what music should be, pummeled away, only to leave with a transcendentally calm grin chiseled upon your face.

- Lucifer Sam

Myspace - http://www.myspace.com/variationsontheme
Homepage - http://www.omvibratory.com
Holy Mountain records - http://www.holymountain.com
Southern Lord records - http://www.southernlord.com

January 26th - An Awesome Day for Aussies

Today, January 26, 2008 is Australian Day.

It’s a national holiday to celebrate the enduring spirit of fairness and mateship with a beer, a firework, a kangaroo, a dingo, and of course, your fellow mates.

History:
January 26, 1788: Captain Arthur Phillip, commander of the first fleet of eleven convict ships from Great Britain arrives at Sydney cove and raises the Union Jack to symbolize British occupation of the east half of the continent. On this day, Australia was founded.

I will of course celebrate by bottling my 3rd batch of Jalapeño ale and perhaps an evening pub crawl. But for now, he’s a story of two of our mates and their encounters with the current ancestors of convicts.

Steve and Jerry, two college buddies of my former roommate Greg, came to our New Years party last year (2007). We drank alot of beer, watched Beerfest, drank beer, and watched Beerfest again.

Jerry is the laid back dude who could pull off the part of Jake Gyllenhall in Brokeback Mountain...if you dawned him in a cowboy hat, a plaid t-shirt and assless chaps...without being gay. It has been woefully observed and noted that cougars love to stick their tongues down his throat. When Jerry is choking on a food / toy item, he doesn't ask for the heimlich, he just calls upon his harem of recently divorced and still shakin' vixens to use their tonsil cleansers to clear his windpipe.

Sidenote: The Australian Heath Ledger, has now tried to immortalize himself among the pantheon of those who offed themselves during the height of their career. He was two years too late to join the infamous 27 Club. But no matter, lots of 20 something girls, and the entire Castro District are now in mourning...and will probably make his attempts at immortality, successful.

Steve, is pretty much German...but of American origins. He had been living and going to grad school there when Jerry recently decided to join him in the lands of the Rhine. A bit taller than Jerry, who towers at 5'11, the last I saw of him he was wearing euro tight jeans and metro-ed eyebrows. A dark goatee hides his lines of laughter, while every now and then an aryan female hides his bratwurst.

Now that Steve and Jerry have been introduced, here's their story to celebrate Australian Day. They live together in Germany.

Have you seen the movie “Beerfest”? ...From the same guys who brought you “Supertroopers”? Well, to ring in this past Oktoberfest, Steve and Jerry wore the jumpsuits/uniforms of the drunken bunch of scragglers who represent Team America in the world Beerfest. To prove their dedication they even got them tailored and embroidered. A con man once said, "the proof is in the details."...and these two Americans nailed it.

Heading to a tent packed with foreigners, they gather steins in their hands, look eachother in the eye and yell "Proost!" The golden lager begins its journey into their blood stream, slowly killing those bastardly brain cells that keep one from bedding a land beast, becoming blood brothers, and most importantly, keeping the white man off the dance floor.

Its customary with much of the world to look your fellow drinkers in the eye when cheers-ing to enhance camaraderie and brotherhood...as well as stave off the 7 years of bad sex that happens when you don't. Americans are infamous at looking at the drink they're about to down instead of the eyes of their mates. We're horrible in bed. But then again, with us it has always been about quantity over quality.

Rain pours endlessly filling liquid coffers and building treacherously behind the dam; the time comes for the floodgates to be opened. Steve heads off in search of the urinals.

Cauldron-bellied Germans, Swagger-addled Italians, Mate-tossing Australians, many adorned in velvety green lederhosen, flower-stitched suspenders, and a matching feathered cap are strewn upon his path. Wait...mate-tossing Australians? Curiousity...

On the way to the bathroom, Steve sees a bunch of Aussies screaming and yelling. In the middle of them is a man repeatedly bouncing up and down in the air, as if he's the greens of a salad being tossed. Getting a closer look, he realizes they're not throwing him in the air by just any means, but by the man's underwear. They gather round, grab hold of the waistband, and then continuously jerk him up and down until the thing breaks.

Steve, standing out like a fellow in a Team America Beerfest Uniform, did not want to be a part of this and tries to continue on to the bathroom, but an aussie catches him.
"Hey mate! You wearing any underwear?" inquires the Aussie, who tries to reach out a hand to grab pants.
"NO!”, replies Steve who weaves free and runs to the pisser. No wedgies for this mate.

Upon coming out, he finds Jerry looking very forlorn and sullen...in much the same way McCauley Culkin walks from Michael Jackson's room after a night at the Neverland Ranch.
"Jerry, are you alright?" Turns out Jerry needed to piss too and had tried to follow Steve to the bathroom. "Oh no...did they get you?”

Without saying anything, Jerry holds up this tattered bit of cloth between his two fingers...all thats left of his boxers...a symbol of destroyed manhood.
"Well its only 6 pm, lets grab some more beers," says Steve. Beers always make a man feel better.
"No, I think I'm just gonna head home."
"Are you serious?? Holy shit! Did they hurt you?"
"Nah. Nah man...just my pride. Just my pride."

Jerry heads home.

Thats some serious shit if those bloomin' Aussies can make a man who drinks until his eyes turn yellow, head home when there’s still plenty of drinking to be had at one of the greatest beer swilling festivals in the world.

Steve stays. But, he knows that the Aussies will be on the lookout for him after sacking his team mate. Not taking any chances, he heads back to the bathroom, removes his underwear, and stuffs it in his pocket. These Beerfest uniforms tend to stand out.

The man makes his way through the crowd to grab another brew...when that same Aussie catches him. Probably the same one who ended Jerry's chances of making the whites of his eyes resemble the same color as his lager.

Without warning, the Aussie immediately sticks his hand past the waistband of the Team America Beerfest pants bottom. After a moment of rooting around, realization sinks in that he's now handling American grown junk. Knowing he'd just been had, the Aussie withdraws his hand and with a grin on his face, points a finger at Steve.
"Ahhhhh...good one mate."

The aftermath:
Jerry has now made a full recovery, but constantly freeballs in the presence of those from down-under. He has now started a counseling group called, "The Aussies tattered my underwear and manhood...as well as my pride" to help those who have been afflicted, and have yet to recover. His main tool of therapy is beer.

Steve, also free balls on occasion, but without the physical and emotional scarring of being wedgied until your knickers break, still wears underwear out on dates.

They both still live in Germany, and have now returned to imbibing massive quantities of Alemania's most successful export...lager.

Happy Australian Day! Cheers Mate!